Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
