The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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