between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
two words: eviction party
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
