apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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