I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
