Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
