Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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