i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
