Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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