if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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