Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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