I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Farmville is her only friend.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
