my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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