I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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