well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize