hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Text me some of your sweat
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