I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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