There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
