I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
