I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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