Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
