I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
