My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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