1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
