Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
