I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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