I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
