Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
