You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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