Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize