His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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