Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
