his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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