I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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