I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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