your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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