It's Friday. Sex?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
