I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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