Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize