rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
