just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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