Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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