Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
