I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
COCAINE IS GR8
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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