im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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