I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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