So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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