nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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