i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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