I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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