In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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