I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
