I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
