I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
