Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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