I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
don't judge my taste in strippers
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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