I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
