it hurts more in the daytime
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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