he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
